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Joseph M. Stowell - The Weight of Your Words
I worked for a carpenter one summer. Occasionally, I would cut a board too short, and he would say, "Get the wood stretcher." His joke, of course, was that wood doesn't stretch. But this isn't a joke. The truth doesn't stretch either.

Brian Regan - Dinner at the Kennedy house
The Kennedys were great speakers, right? It's powerful, but it must have been weird growing up with them... "Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you; ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone." "Some people look at cream corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at cream corn and ask, 'Why not?'" And then Ted's like, "Are there any more rolls?"